


Choosing My Confessions (Losing My Religion)

by HunterByDayWhovianByNight



Series: The Space Between Us [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Ahsoka Tano-centric, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Clone Wars, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s05e18 The Jedi Who Knew Too Much, Episode: s05e20 The Wrong Jedi, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Goodbyes, Heavy Angst, Interrogation, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Prison, Protective Anakin Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24706678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterByDayWhovianByNight/pseuds/HunterByDayWhovianByNight
Summary: "Parting is all we know of heaven,And all we need of hell."―Emily DickinsonAhsoka found the familiar world she knew crumbling down around her, and there was nothing Anakin could do to help her.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano
Series: The Space Between Us [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756915
Comments: 15
Kudos: 64





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Third installment of this series here, which I'm absolutely loving to write so far. All chapters beta'd by [BatmanWhoLaughss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss) (as always) who has forced Star Wars Rebels upon me, so expect stories from that soon! Please enjoy! Title is from "Losing My Religion" by REM.
> 
> ~Hunter
> 
> P.S.: There is listening material to accompany the reading material! My Anakin + Ahsoka playlist can be found [here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6QSSjUjbqRHqDkGQgkhUTA?si=x98YXdYfTkm7O8uhYWtlnw)

Ahsoka knew she was done for the moment she saw Letta getting choked. It was obviously the work of the Force, and she was the only Force user present, which put a definite target on her back. When she fell limply to the floor with all of the breath forced out of her, Ahsoka felt her heart seize up and her throat close. She couldn’t breathe or speak, and in only a few moments that barely registered to her, she was kneeling and a blaster was pointed at the back of her head. She stammered, trying to insist that she didn’t do this and that there was obviously something else going on, but her insistence fell upon deaf ears. 

Panic and anxiety welled up in her chest and began to cloud her mind. She felt her resolve weakening and her judgement dulled. The Force around her felt uneasy; for the first time in a long time, she actually felt scared. She feared that if she spoke, she might say the wrong thing; with a blaster at the back of her head, that was the last thing she wanted to do. There was nothing she could say or do that would let her off the hook. She couldn’t pull a  _ I’m a Jedi, you can’t do this to me _ or a  _ wait until the Council hears about this  _ this time. 

This was objectively bad. This was really, really bad. Really kriffing bad. As the door clones left the cell and bolted the door behind them, the fact that she was being falsely imprisoned sunk in. To the eyes of the Grand Army of the Republic, and soon the Jedi Council, she was both a terrorist and a murderer. She was a traitor. She could practically hear what they were going to say about her visiting Letta’s cell; they would paint it as her destroying evidence, covering her tracks. It made Ahsoka’s stomach twist painfully to think about it.

Ahsoka prayed that the Council, and Anakin especially, would see past this and trust her. Anyone who knew her would know that she would be the last person to do this. Master Plo, Master Yoda… they had seen her grow up and dedicate every ounce of her being towards becoming a Jedi Knight. All of that was fading away now… it made Ahsoka feel undeniably hollow in her chest. It distressed Ahsoka to know that on the outside, she was the perfect suspect. It certainly didn’t help her case that Letta had died by means of a Force choke.

Mindlessly, Ahsoka stood up and shuffled to the small bed (if it could truthfully be called that) and sat down. Her head spun and she felt out of control of her own body. Nausea settled into her bones and made her stomach churn with discomfort, the acid threatening to tear down the walls and consume her. Her whole body went numb as she began to hyperventilate and shake. She was so used to being in total control of her mind and body… all of that Jedi resolve was disappearing now.

She was innocent. For stars’ sake, she was  _ innocent.  _ The frantic, anxious thoughts began to swirl around in her mind as she tucked her knees under her chin and tried to gain some control over her body.  _ What motive could I possibly have? Why did they just jump to conclusions? Why did they assume that it was me so quickly? Why are they treating me so unfairly?  _ The threat of tears burned the inside of her nose and the rims of her eyes. She wished that Anakin was here. That someone, someone who knew and trusted her, was here to vouch for her. It wasn’t before long that she was sobbing uncontrollably in her arms.

Ahsoka wanted to meditate. She wanted to close her mind and body off to the world and feel nothing but the Force. If she called on the Force, and put her trust in it, she might be able to reclaim ownership of her mind and body again. The emotions, though, prevented her from even crossing that boundary and she was left stuck. Too many thoughts and high-intensity emotions were pressing at the front of her mind and distracting her from the familiar, healing sensation of the Force. The last rational part of Ahsoka’s mind reminded her that if she called on Anakin and told him what was happening he’d be there at a moment’s notice, but her inability to even gain control over her body blocked her from even attempting to do so.

It felt as if the Force had been sucked from the room, leaving only her and the cold, unfeeling stone against her back.

Some time later, Captain Tarkin paid a visit to her cell. It was certainly not a courtesy call, because he entered with his shoulders all the way back and a sneer graffitied on his face. He looked a little too self-satisfied for her liking. His intimidating, domineering presence made Ahsoka put up her shields and go on the defensive. The Force always moved eerily around him despite not being Force-sensitive by a long shot. She’d only felt the Force move in such a way around the likes of Darth Maul and Asajj Ventress. This situation felt no different.

Try as she may, Ahsoka’s pleas for help fell on deaf ears. She assumed that his no-nonsense demeanor would see that this was all a misunderstanding or that their past interactions had instilled some trust in her, but Ahsoka quickly found that she assumed wrong. It appeared that Captain Tarkin’s all-business, practical personality had run its course and he wouldn’t hear her side before making up his mind.

It seemed, though, that Captain Tarkin’s all-business personality was going to be used against her. He stood a little too close, spoke a little too intrusively. Ahsoka was left feeling violated and uncomfortable after his pseudo-interrogation; the fact that someone without any grasp of the Force was able to leave her with a chill down her spine and get so deep into her head was disturbing. He cut her right to her core: taunting her and doubting her abilities with the Force.  _ If there really was someone else, why did you not sense them?  _ He’d said it with a sneer and a condescending glare; he dared put his hands on her, too, holding her chin so that their gaze was fixed.

The fact that he dared to touch her in such a suggestive way, as if to punctuate his intrusive words, was the worst part of it all. She was in a compromising state that forced her to be compliant to avoid harsher treatment; she knew that he knew this. It was probably some kind of a power trip for him. If Anakin had been there, Captain Tarkin would have been a forearm short. Probably even a whole arm or a head short if Anakin was angry enough. Ahsoka tried to be as resistant as she could by forcefully yanking her chin from his hand and glaring at him with the fire of a thousand suns.

The hours wore on and all Ahsoka could sense was an uncanny, Sith-like presence in the Force and Anakin’s worry. Anakin probably had no idea where she was because she was taking so long. His worry made Ahsoka feel concerned; why hadn’t they told him yet? What was happening outside the cell walls? What was being cooked up by Captain Tarkin to frame her for this? Were they even going to tell Anakin she was in prison? This situation was only reinforcing Letta and the protestors’ words about the corruption in the Army and Senate. 

Ahsoka sighed dejectedly and laid on her side, curling up into a ball to comfort herself. Anakin’s worry was like nothing she’d felt before… the last six standard months had been full of uncertainties and close calls. She died once, nearly died another time, and was kidnapped by pirates; it would be enough to rattle the strongest Jedi. Ahsoka felt Anakin’s pain and anxiety acutely every damn time. But this time felt different. It was stronger, more palpable; Anakin was deeply distressed. Their bond had been pulsing at an erratic, nervous pace all afternoon, but then all at once, it crackled like an unruly fire.

Anakin was angry. She’d felt his anger before when his plans weren’t endorsed by the Council or when a mission failed. His guilt easily turned into anger, too. She felt it when she was in the bacta tank healing the last time she got shot and he was having an argument with Master Kenobi. His anger was fiery, burning, and all-consuming. Of all his emotions, it was one of the easiest to sense across their bond. Something had to be wrong— she had to reach out to him and find out what the matter was. She sat up on the bed and crossed her legs, getting into a meditative position. The moment she entered his mind, she was overwhelmed with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. 

_ Master, what’s going on? _

_ Ahsoka, are they holding you at the detention center? Can you have visitors? What did you do? _

_ Yes, I’m here at the prison and I don’t know. I don’t know what is happening, they’re setting me up. I didn’t do it, Master, I swear I didn’t do it. Someone is setting me up. _

_ I believe you.  _ Anakin’s trust made Ahsoka’s whole chest feel warm.  _ I’m coming to get you. I’ll get you out of there. _

When Anakin broke off their connection, Ahsoka felt relief flow through her and her mind settle. Talking with Anakin, even if it wasn’t in person, was a welcome respite from the chaos of the day. She felt at ease enough to take a deep breath and calm her mind. She pushed her arrest and Captain Tarkin’s visit out of her mind and dwelled instead on happier memories, ones of her with Anakin and out in the field, to pull herself out of the present funk she was in. 

She knew this was all a misunderstanding and that the Council would handle this quickly. She’d be let go and free to return on missions in no time. Anakin would certainly be able to get her out of this mess and back into the real world. Things were going to go back to normal and she, the Council, and Anakin could put this all behind them.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin wrestles with Ahsoka's impending trial. Missing scenes before they get to the Chamber of Judgement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahaha this is more angsty than expected, but who am I if not the conductor of the Anakin + Ahsoka pain train? Anyways, I reference my [first Anakin and Ahsoka fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24301912/chapters/58581772) in this chapter, so if you haven't read it, I do suggest you do. It's not completely necessary to do so, but the "wanting normal" theme that is a big undercurrent of this series is established there. Thank you so much again to [BatmanWhoLaughss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss) for the beta!
> 
> ~Hunter
> 
> P.S.: There is listening material to accompany the reading material! My Anakin + Ahsoka playlist can be found [here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6QSSjUjbqRHqDkGQgkhUTA?si=x98YXdYfTkm7O8uhYWtlnw)

Ahsoka quickly found that the number of people who not only trusted her but believed her had dwindled down to one: Anakin. Any promise of normalcy was out of the window because of this trial. She wasn’t stupid; she knew that even if she was proven innocent and the Council ruled this all a great misunderstanding, everyone would treat her differently. She wouldn’t be able to trust them if they whispered rumors about her behind her back. Every Jedi and clone would see her differently: she was the one they thought blew up the Jedi Temple and killed a woman to cover it up. Anakin was the only one who was steadfast in his trust. She knew deep inside that he would never treat her that way; his present refusal to believe the lies proved that to her.

She considered herself both lucky and fortunate in the fact that the Council didn’t send her back to the detention center. She and Anakin were permitted to return to the Temple and stay in their rooms, so long as there were guards outside the door and locks on the windows. Ahsoka knew she should have made this time count; it would probably be the last time they were alone (which was saying a lot since there  _ were  _ guards only a dozen feet away) before her impending trial. She wasn’t in the right headspace to talk or meditate about what happened last night and got the feeling that Anakin certainly wasn’t up for it either. He’d been sent to chase her down last night; she could only imagine how jarring that must have been for him to do. 

The Force in the room and flowing between them through their bond was uneasy. Edgy. Restless. It made Ahsoka unable to even think or move; she was numb with the all-consuming panic. Yesterday seemed lightyears away; that panic had nothing on this. The fear and frenzy she felt from running through Coruscant was closer to what she felt now, but at least then she felt like she had a chance to get away. To escape. Being locked up in this room with both her panic and Anakin’s worry was almost enough to make her scream.

She heard Anakin’s words echo through her head from when they sat in this very room only a year ago, when she told him she missed him:  _ You should treasure the time we’re together. _ She’d petulantly cut him off, though, in that moment; didn’t let him say the word she knew he was going to say.  _ Together. _ Anakin was right across from her; her rational brain knew she could talk to him or reach out to him through her bond, but there was a block there that prevented her from. This would’ve been the perfect time to talk to him and connect with him. She wished she could cry; not just because it was distressing not to be able to feel anything, but because she wanted Anakin to comfort her.

Ahsoka wanted Anakin to wrap his arms tight around her in a hug and not let go. She didn’t want a Master, didn’t want a teacher. She wanted a friend.  _ A brother. _ She needed that big brother she always saw him as right now. The lump that lodged itself in her throat made her unable to breathe, much less speak. If she were able to speak, she would have asked him to come over here and give her a hug or to lay his hand on her head and calm down her mind. When she tried to summon up the energy to speak to Anakin across their bond, that damn  _ block  _ stopped her. She had never felt so alone.

Distantly, she heard a knock on the door and a voice say that they were to report to the Chamber of Judgement. She couldn’t place the voice. Then she heard Anakin say that they needed just one more moment alone. Ahsoka watched Anakin walk from the door to right in front of her. He kneeled down, held her hands in his, and looked intently into her eyes. It was then when she really registered the expression on his face. He looked desperate; he was no longer the brave Master she’d followed into battle. He was a scared little boy. 

“Ahsoka, whatever they say, I will always believe you. I would never listen to the lies they say. I know you are incapable of doing something like this. It’s just not you, Snips. It’s not you.”

She gave him a weak smile, but the heaviness in her heart still remained. While she knew that Anakin meant well, she also knew deep in her heart that this may not end well. 

~~~~~~

Anakin tried to gauge what Ahsoka was feeling as they began their silent procession to the Chamber of Judgement. He assumed that her shields would be down because of the shock, but she actually had them tightly up. He didn’t want to pry and upset her, so he pulled back and let her be. He frowned in displeasure; he hated seeing Ahsoka so detached and absent. It wasn’t like her. 

He tried to ignore the fact that there was a retinue of Temple Guards around them with their pale yellow blades in full view. They were treating Ahsoka like she was a criminal or a traitor. As they passed through the main hall in sight of  _ everyone  _ they knew, Anakin saw the younglings look on in confusion and the older Padawans gape in shock. He shut out their thoughts, knowing that they were judging them. If he had deigned to listen to them, he would have probably done something irrational. He balled his fists at his side and released a steady exhale to try and hold himself back. He bit the inside of his cheek trying to keep himself from saying something he might regret.

Anakin had the sinking feeling that this parade through the Temple, in the middle of the day to boot, was wholly intentional on the Council’s part. It was meant to rattle Ahsoka and show her off to the Order as if to say  _ this is what we do to our enemies.  _ It was unnaturally cruel and low on the Council’s part. It made his stomach turn and his blood boil to know that they were humiliating Ahsoka like this. It was bad enough that they weren’t trusting her word and were putting her on trial to begin with; it was just another way the Council was being unfair. 

Nonetheless, he was determined to stand by Ahsoka’s side until the very end. He needed to prove the Council and the impending tribunal wrong. He knew this had to be a set-up ― he  _ knew  _ it. This all seemed so… fishy. After what happened with Obi-Wan and his “death,” Anakin had grown frustrated with the Council’s decisions. He stole another glance at Ahsoka, who was silent and listlessly looking ahead of her, her usually cheery face frozen with shock. She’d had the same look on her face since they picked her up in the wee hours of morning. He sensed her panic, her worry. It left him feeling hollow.

“Snips?” Anakin said, trying to get Ahsoka’s attention. “Snips, talk to me. You haven’t spoken in hours. I need to know if you’re alright.” Anakin huffed, feeling worried that she wouldn’t be able to talk when the Council interrogated her. “I need to know if you’re going to be able to defend yourself up there.” He paused, waiting for her reply, but received none. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “You know I believe you.” 

Ahsoka looked back up at him, her face still mostly blank. Anakin laid a hand on Ahsoka’s shoulder and tried to keep her walking, but she froze in place. The guards around them stopped, too, and kept their blades at the ready. 

She looked up at Anakin and shrugged. “I don’t know what or how to feel.” 

He could tell she was forcing the words out. He frowned at her depressive mood. This wasn’t right. None of this was. The Council was never going to believe her; the way they rattled her last night, forcing her to go on the run and sending the two Jedi she trusted most after her, felt undeniably wrong to him. How was Ahsoka supposed to trust them ever again if they treated her like that?

Anakin felt his stomach seize up and a lump form in his throat. He hated himself right now; Ahsoka was in his care, under his tutelage, and he had failed her. He hadn’t done enough.  _ This might actually be what separates us,  _ Anakin thought to himself grimly, behind a set of very strong shields. He had to assure Ahsoka that things were going to be alright and that he would prove everyone wrong, or stars know how this would end.

“Ahsoka?” Anakin looked Ahsoka dead in the eyes and gripped her shoulder tightly. “I’m going to be there the whole time. I don’t care what the Council says, I believe you.” He wanted to get through to her. He sent his appreciation for her, hells, his  _ love  _ for her, across their bond. He wanted her to know that he wasn’t just protecting her and believing her because she was his Padawan but because she was his friend, his sister. “Can I count on you to be brave up there, Snips?”

Ahsoka looked back up at him, a small sparkle returning to her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, you can, Master.” The smile she gave him was more genuine than the last one and it warmed Anakin’s heart. He felt a scrap of hope well up in his chest and he prayed that this would turn out alright in the end. 

_ Normal. Things can be normal again. _

“We have to move along,” one of the guards said, gesturing with his saber in the direction of the Chamber. Anakin nodded and gave Ahsoka a small nudge to get her moving. As they walked, he sensed her letting down her shields and letting him in. She wasn’t back to “normal” by any standards, but he sensed that she was feeling less panicked. Anything was an improvement right now in his book.

Anakin felt a chill permeate through his clothes as they entered the Chamber. The dim light and the high ceiling made the room appear even more imposing than its function, a design aspect Anakin knew for sure was intentional. He sat down next to Ahsoka on the inset bench, underneath the soft yellow light. There was so much he wanted to ask Ahsoka right now, so much that he knew he couldn’t say with the Temple Guards around them. He didn’t even want to risk talking with her through their Force bond; the guards would be able to tell if they were using the Force, not to mention the retinue of Masters sitting above them. He found himself sympathizing with Ahsoka’s state from earlier this morning, feeling similarly dumbstruck at the rapidly unfolding events. 

He bounced his leg, wrung his hands together, furrowed his brow. Anakin was becoming more anxious as each second ticked past. He was so worried for Ahsoka’s future; his fading faith in the Council’s decision-making made him fear the worst for his Padawan. They shouldn’t even be here right now. They should be getting ready for their next mission and finding the person who actually committed this crime. They were wasting precious kriffing time by sitting here in this meaningless interrogation that was only designed to make Ahsoka shrink and admit to her not-crime. He wanted to scream and throw his saber against the wall because he was so frustrated. How come nobody else could see Ahsoka’s innocence? How were they all so blind? How could they even begin to  _ fathom  _ that a dedicated and ardent young Padawan, and especially one as sterling as Ahsoka, could commit such a crime?

“Master?” Ahsoka piped up, her voice small and pleading. He looked over at her and tried to sense what she was feeling, but felt blocked. Not by her, but definitely by himself. “Master, you’re worrying more than I am right now.”

“I can’t help it, I’m just so…” Anakin growled deep in his chest and balled his fists. He stood right up and huffed in frustration. He had to watch himself in here; he didn’t want the guards thinking he needed to be restrained or on trial, to. He had to reign his emotions in, but it would be impossible to, considering the circumstances. “I’m just so frustrated. Worried. I feel like this is out of my hands.” He began to pace throughout their side of the room, unable to even put up his shields. He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“I know things aren’t fine right now, trust me,” Ahsoka said with the same mournful tone from outside the Chamber. “I of all people would know that.” 

“Ahsoka, I need you to be completely honest with me one last time,” Anakin said, turning around to face her. He stepped closer to her and leaned down so that their faces were nearer to each other. He reached out across their bond, even though he knew it could be risky, and showed her all of their reunions, their moments of honesty. He wanted her to know how scared he was for her. “Have you kept anything from me? I know you said you trusted me out there, but can I trust you, too?” Ahsoka bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut; Anakin couldn’t tell if it was because she was keeping something from him or if she was too anxious to answer. “Why was Ventress there? What else is happening?”

“I’m telling you the truth, Master!” Ahsoka stood up as well, making Anakin take a step back. She threw her arms up in the air before letting them fall to her sides dejectedly. “I’m innocent! I did none of this! Ventress was only trying to help me escape the clones, and I swear to you, Master, I did  _ not  _ do this.” Ahsoka was on the brink of tears and Anakin’s heart was breaking. He could barely keep a grip on reality as she insisted on her innocence. The guards moved to defend Anakin from Ahsoka, but Anakin gestured to them to back off. “Anakin…” 

Ahsoka rarely called him by his first name; he couldn’t even remember the last time she used it. Before him, he saw the terrified and emotional face of the girl he’d come to know as his Padawan, his sister. He crossed his arms in frustration and shook his head. He didn’t want to see her go. Not like this. He had a suspicious, sinking feeling that the Council was up to something. The Force around them felt strange and uneasy. Tense. There was something dubious about this whole situation that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“I believe you. Ahsoka, I  _ believe  _ you,” Anakin insisted. “I need you to make them believe you, too. Change their minds. Prove to them that you’re the loyal Jedi I know you are.” Anakin took her hands in his and squeezed them tightly. She squeezed them back. “Don’t hide from them, Snips.”

“I won’t.” She said it firmly, but he could sense her trepidation underlying the words. He gave her a small smile and placed his hand atop her head, between her montrals. He sent her a wave of soothing, calming Force; if it was the last time he was able to do so, he wanted it to mean something. He wanted her to feel at peace before talking to the Council; even though deep in his heart, he wanted to believe that things would be okay, he knew they weren’t. He sent her his trust, his faith in her. He felt some of Ahsoka’s anxiety cool and pulled his hand away; she gave him a small smile and sat down on the bench.

“Thank you, Master. I just… hah.” Ahsoka scoffed. “Things won’t be so normal anymore, will they?”

Anakin scoffed as well. “No. No, I don’t think so.” 

He began to pace again, crossing and uncrossing his arms. There had to be some other way to go about this. He began to concoct a plan in his mind if this went poorly. He still had to find the real terrorist, still had to find Ventress. His mind went into overdrive as he began to plot out his course of action; he’d have to call on Padmé, see if she could defend Ahsoka at the Tribunal. He’d have to go out and look for Ventress in the Underworld and interrogate her; she would probably have the most answers. He wanted to head back to that warehouse again, too; he was willing to do whatever it took to prove Ahsoka’s innocence.

~~~~~

“You’re not helping.” Ahsoka shook her head and sighed. Anakin was a wreck over this; he had been taking it really hard, and she could tell that he was becoming even more overwhelmed as they continued to wait. His pacing was starting to make her even more anxious about her impending trial.

He groaned and came back to her on the bench. “I’m sorry, Snips.” She felt the Force moving tensely around him, sensed his own anxiety and frustration. “I just… I just don’t know what to do!” 

Anakin shook his head in disbelief. Ahsoka gave him a crestfallen smile and felt her heart sink. It hurt her to see Anakin like this; he was usually so assured and certain of what was happening that seeing him anxious, pacing, and restless was disheartening. It made her worried; was this going to be okay? Was the Council even going to listen to her? Was she going to actually be found guilty? She had Anakin’s word and he had hers, but… something wasn’t right. It just wasn’t. And she didn’t know how she was going to navigate it.

“It’s okay. I don’t either.” Ahsoka frowned and slumped her shoulders. She wanted to tell him that she was scared and that she feared what would happen. She wanted to ask him if he felt suspicious of the whole situation, too, but then heard a chime. Her time with Anakin was up. She had to face the music now and be strong.

Ahsoka and Anakin looked at each other briefly, nodded, and stood up. They approached the platform and Ahsoka felt her heart hammering against her chest, leaving her feeling breathless. It made her feel strong to know Anakin was by her side, and would be there during her trial. She took a deep breath and looked up.

She felt ready to take on the world. 


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tearful, angstier goodbye between Anakin and Ahsoka. Plus, an added scene! (Sort of.)

With the blinding lights above her and the eyes of senators and Jedi alike eyeing her suspiciously, Ahsoka decidedly did  _ not _ feel on top of the world nor ready to take it on. She felt small and frightened ― like a nobody. She was grateful that Padmé had taken up her case and petitioned for her before the Senate, but she really wished Anakin was there with her. Try as she might, she couldn’t place his Force signature anywhere in the building or in the surrounding area.  _ I’m on my own.  _ She clamped down on the urge to send a plea for help towards the Jedi bench in the hall.

She’d had her braid yanked off and was forced out of the Temple in handcuffs, in front of everyone she’d known, everyone she’d fought alongside. From that moment, Ahsoka decided that even if by some miracle the Council  _ did _ ask her back, she would not return. She couldn’t do it. Everyone would see her in a different light, and some may never trust her again. It would be hell to go through life with the Jedi not knowing if the people she’d come to know as family ― her  _ only  _ family― actually believed her word. 

Ahsoka couldn’t stop fidgeting in her cuffs as the proceedings wore on. She sensed flashes of intense anger and conflict in Anakin through their bond, but only in passing. They didn’t last long enough for her to latch onto them or sense where he was. Anakin had said yesterday that he was going to go look for Ventress but Ahsoka knew that it would be difficult to find her. She’d only managed to cross paths with her that night by chance; actually setting out to find her was a completely different story. She hoped that he wasn’t out on a rampage somewhere in the lower levels. 

Anakin was determined and loyal to a fault, but Ahsoka feared that those very characteristics could get him into trouble right now. The  _ numbness  _ she’d felt the day before in hers and Anakin’s room returned to her body, filling her from her toes to the tips of her lekku and montrals. Her joints were stiff and aching.

The last thing she wanted was to have Anakin roped into all of this by Ventress; she certainly wouldn’t put it past the former Sith to frame Anakin as well. She desperately wanted Anakin to find Ventress or whoever was setting her up. He was the last person besides  Padmé, of course, who wholeheartedly believed her. He was her last friend, her only hope. Anakin would do whatever it took to help prove her innocence. 

~~~~~

Anakin tore through the lower levels on his speeder, his hood pulled far over his face. He let out his anger and fury into each revving of the speeder, hoping that going faster would help him release the mounting flood of emotions in his chest. He narrowed his eyes, scanning the streets for Ventress’ tall, lanky frame. She would be a hard one to find, but nothing stood in his way right now. Not when Ahsoka’s life was on the line. 

He managed to find a bounty hunter’s bar that would let him in without a  _ get lost, kriffing Jedi scum  _ or a  _ we don’t take kindly to you sleemos here, beat it  _ and talked to the three less-sketchy looking individuals there about where Ventress might be hiding. The first two were a bit of a bust, but a Zygerrian female let him know that Ventress had just been back from a rough job and had a run-in with the Coruscant Police so she’d be lurking closer to home, four or five levels below this one. He didn’t want to trust her, but it was his only lead. He’d follow it wherever it took him.

~~~~~

Admiral Tarkin’s shrill voice sent anxious chills down Ahsoka’s spine. Even seeing him here today at the courthouse was enough to shake her; she tried her best to hold her tongue when he said something that was so clearly wrong. His presence here today, insulting her loyalty and questioning her integrity as a citizen of the Republic, made her sick to her stomach because all she could think about was his pseudo-interrogation of her in that cell. He kept looking at her (or at least in her direction) with that sickening, self-satisfied smile that was always plastered on his face. She wanted to roll her eyes but didn’t want him or another senator to catch her.

Standing on the hoverplatform was an accurate metaphor for where Ahsoka was right now. Unsupported. Floating. Trapped. She knew that the platform was safe in theory, but she still felt as if she had to keep her balance to stay upright. Even if she wanted to escape, she’d have to plunge herself down into the pit of the hall and die trying. So there she was: unsupported, floating, and trapped. All without a single guard to keep her in her place; the intimidation and pseudo-torture tactic employed here was definitely working. 

Her knees and ankles ached from standing still for so long and the fatigue was beginning to set in. If she was in a better place mentally, she may have been able to meditate and take her mind off the lethargy and anxiety coursing through her system, but she still felt blocked from the Force. She hated feeling like this, so closed off and disconnected from the comforting presence of the Force. 

It was becoming increasingly clear to Ahsoka that Anakin had not found Ventress. Or whoever was attacking her. It’s not that she had lost faith in Anakin’s ability to find whoever it was that had framed her and attacked the Order, it was just that they were running out of precious time. The Senate was going to indict her unless Anakin came in with some serious, solid evidence soon. She almost wanted to tell Padmé to give up because it was clear that this whole trial was decided long before she set foot in the door, but a last flicker of hope lingered in the back of her mind. Hope that Anakin would prove her innocence.

The Senate was out for deliberation now. Padmé stole one last hopeful look at her with a conciliatory smile forced on her lips. She knew that Padmé meant well, but she sensed her doubt that this would end well. Ahsoka wanted to return the smile, but she couldn’t even find the energy to do so.

~~~~~

Barriss. Of course it was Barriss. She seemed too inconspicuous when he entered her room. Anakin had felt the Force lurking darkly around her long before he walked through the threshold; how hadn’t he sensed this days ago at the funeral for the fallen Jedi? He had chalked it up to the Force being unsettled by the jarring deaths of those innocents and the attack on the Temple then, but how could he be so  _ foolish  _ now? Barriss’ Force signature was simmering with darkness. It was unsettling.

Even now, Anakin sensed how proud of herself Barriss was. It didn’t matter to her that she was caught, arrested, or in cuffs. It didn’t even faze her that she was flanked by Temple Guards and on her way to the courthouse. She had a defiant smile plastered on her face the whole way there. It made Anakin  _ sick.  _ How could she feel so happy that she had killed innocent people, threatened the Order that made her everything she was? Anakin had his own qualms with the Order, but he’d never even think of doing something like this, something that would threaten those who were innocent.

Despite his anger and resentment for Barriss right now, he felt vindicated in his brazen, open support for Ahsoka in the face of the Council. For once,  _ he  _ was right.  _ He  _ was the one who’d seen the truth and looked past the glaring inaccuracies in this case. Maybe it was just his fierce loyalty to his Padawan and belief in her commitment to the Republic and Jedi both, but he always knew someone else was behind this. 

This wasn’t blind faith talking in his head right now; this was his deep connection and bond with Ahsoka talking. Nonetheless, he was determined to enter the courtroom and proudly show off the  _ real  _ perpetrator of this crime in front of the Chancellor, and all the senators and Jedi Masters who dared stand in Ahsoka’s way.

~~~~~

By the time they reconvened, a tidy thirteen and a half minutes after they went to deliberation, Ahsoka knew she was a goner. She was facing life in prison or execution by firing squad. Anakin hadn’t come in with new evidence to stop this (sham of a) trial yet, which meant she was going on the chopping block, be it literal or metaphorical, in a matter of minutes. She was brought out on the hoverplatform again, but this time, she didn’t feel so confident. She couldn’t summon the courage or strength from the Force to take this sentencing with grace because she knew it was  _ so wrong. _

Ahsoka heard Chancellor Palpatine speaking, but the blood pounding in her ears made it hard to hear. She looked up at his platform, through the blinding lights, her breaths growing heavier and slower as she waited for the verdict from the jury. All of a sudden, she felt Anakin’s Force signature and his voice call out to stop Chancellor Palpatine. Her heart stopped for a moment as she gasped in shock; he must have found something. He was here to prove her innocence. Her lower lip quivered in anticipation for whatever Anakin was about to say.

She whipped her head around, maybe a little too fast because now she felt dizzy, and came face-to-face with Anakin. She raised her eyebrows, silently asking what he was doing here.

“I’m here with evidence and a confession from the person responsible for all the crimes Ahsoka has been accused of.” Ahsoka tried to look past Anakin and see who it was, and when he finally stepped aside, revealing Barriss, her jaw dropped. Barriss Offee, who she’d trusted to help her. Barriss Offee, who framed her and set her up for  _ murder.  _ For  _ treason.  _ Her blood boiled with ire. How could she not have seen this? 

“Barriss, is that true?” Ahsoka bit her lower lip in dismay, fighting the tears that burned in her eyes. She didn’t want to cry right now even though she knew she’d feel so free being able to finally release her welled up emotions. Barriss spoke so proudly of her actions, condemning everyone in the room for the crimes they committed in this war that she, too, had come to know as hollow. Ahsoka almost wished she had the courage to say some of the things Barriss was saying. She lowered her head in disbelief, stunned at what she had just heard Barriss admit so brazenly.

But then Anakin looked her way and smiled that familiar, brotherly smile of his. She’d seen it on him a thousand times before, but this time it felt different. It seemed to communicate all of his appreciation and love for her. Ahsoka couldn’t help but return it, even though the fatigue of the day made it a strain to manage even a small smile. 

_ It’s going to be okay, Ahsoka. You’re free.  _

_ Thank you, Master. _

And for a brief, fleeting moment, Ahsoka did feel like everything was going to be okay. Maybe not normal, but definitely okay. She forgot that she wanted to leave the Order entirely because right now Anakin made her feel a little less hollow and a little more optimistic. She always knew she could count on Anakin to do right by her. But she knew it wouldn’t end the way Anakin wanted it to: with her back in the Order and everything returned to its former state. Her smile faded into a solemn frown as quickly as it appeared.

The clones pulled her hoverplatform back to the walkway and silently removed her cuffs. When they dropped off, she let out a bewildered little laugh. This trial was over. The titles of  _ traitor  _ and  _ murderer _ were relinquished from her now. Anakin took a step towards her and held out his hand for her to take.

“We should go home. Get this past us. I’m certain the Council will ask you back.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course, Master.” Ahsoka forced a smile on her face and took his hand in hers. He squeezed it reassuringly and then wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He led them out of the courthouse, talking about how they would be back out on the field in no time or that they could spend as long as she wanted at the Temple before returning to the war, but Ahsoka wasn’t listening. 

_ This is the last time I will ever feel like his Padawan,  _ Ahsoka thought to herself behind a tight shield.  _ He still thinks that I’ll come back.  _

~~~~~

Ahsoka shifted uncomfortably in her boots as she stood in the Council room before Anakin and Masters Kenobi, Plo, Windu, Mundi, Tiin, and Yoda. She had her arms crossed in front of her defensively even though she knew that they weren’t going to condemn her. They were going to apologize and ask her back, try and appeal to her sense of duty and loyalty to the Order. But they were wrong. They were so, so wrong if they thought she was coming back.

“Ahsoka, I am so sorry about everything.” Anakin’s face had a solemn expression painted across it. She felt his pain through her bond; it was real, raw, genuine. It was distinctly Anakin. 

_ “You have our most humble apologies, little ‘Soka.The Council was wrong to accuse you.” _

_ “You have shown such great strength and resilience in your struggle to prove your innocence.” _

_ “This is the true sign of a Jedi Knight.” _

_ “This was actually your great trial. Now we see that. We understand that the Force works in mysterious ways, and because of this trial, you have become a greater Jedi than you would have otherwise.” _

_ “Back into the Order you may come.” _

Their words swirled around Ahsoka’s head, filling her with guilt and conflict. She’d made up her mind already to leave, but actually being presented with the offer to return was so tempting. She felt overwhelmed. Unsure. She didn’t feel blocked from the Force, per se, but a flood of emotions filled her and made it hard to think straight. She tore her eyes away from them and tightened her arms around herself. She couldn’t bear to look them in the eye right now. 

“They’re asking you back, Ahsoka,” Anakin said as he stepped towards her, breaking her from her funk. She looked up at him, her eyes glassy with the threat of tears. He pulled something from his pocket and offered it to her. “I’m asking you back.”

She looked down at the item in his hand. It was her braid. For stars’ sake, he had her braid. Her Master was here, asking her back. If she felt conflicted before, she felt even more so now. Her heart broke. How was she going to tell him? How was she going to break it to him that she was walking away from the Order, from him? She flicked her eyes up to his. They were so eager and full of hope. She shook her head and looked away. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t go back. Anakin pushed it towards her again.  _ Please, Snips. Take it. Come back. Please. _

Not all of the pleas and braids in the world could pull her back. Not even Anakin could pull her back right now. Her decision was firmly cemented in her mind. But the longer she stared at the braid and all of its beads, the beads that Anakin had presented her with over the years, the harder she found it to summon the courage to be like Barriss and say no. Her fingers hesitated over the braid, wanting to take it and accept the Council’s offer, give Anakin a hug, and put this whole ordeal behind her. She could become a Knight right now if she wanted to. 

Ahsoka felt Anakin and the Council’s eyes boring into her skin. She took Anakin’s hand in hers, said  _ I’m sorry,  _ and closed his finger over the braid, rejecting it. 

“I’m sorry, Master, but I’m not coming back.” Her voice was shaky and her tears finally spilled out of her eyes. Anakin was a scared little boy again, terrified and shocked at her decision. Their bond was flooded with confusion and emotion. She walked away without another word. What was done was done.

~~~~~

Anakin could barely believe his ears. He chased after her, ignoring Obi-Wan’s silent plea for him to stay. She was making a mistake. He must have heard wrong. He kept her braid clutched tightly in his hand as he ran down the halls after her, not caring who saw him in this state. She was almost out of the Temple now. He felt their bond slipping away with every step she took away from him. He was losing her. He didn’t want to lose her. He’d lost everyone he loved already, he didn’t want to lose her, too. Not when this could be fixed.

“Ahsoka, wait! Ahsoka, I need to talk to you!”

She stopped dead in her tracks but she was still facing away from him. She was closed off from him, keeping her blocks up tighter than he’d ever seen them. Was she doing this to hurt him? Did she know that doing this was hurting him more than helping him? She finally turned his way, but she was steadfast in shutting him out.

He tried to plead with her. He really did. He tried to tell her that she could trust him and that he never doubted her, would never doubt her. Every word he said was true. He didn’t want her to leave. He couldn’t imagine going forward in this war without her by his side. She was slipping from his grasp. He was losing control and he was losing the girl he’d come to know as his friend, his sister. It was unbearable. 

Ahsoka’s eyes were hollow and broken. She looked defeated and empty. Her voice matched up to the sorrow in her eyes and it broke his heart. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her this was going to be okay, that they could get through this together, that he would always be her friend and teacher. He was going to do whatever it took to help her, just like he had in her trial. 

He broke down and told her that he knew why she’d want to walk away from the Order. He hadn’t told anyone this before, not even Obi-Wan. But all Ahsoka responded with was  _ I know.  _ She knew, then. She knew that he and Padmé were married. An impulsive thought sprung up in his mind: if Ahsoka was going to leave the Order then he was, too. But then Ahsoka started walking away, continuing to cut off their bond, and he was snapped back to reality. Him leaving the Order too wasn’t going to solve any of their problems.

~~~~~

Ahsoka let the tears flow down her face freely as she began to walk off the grounds. Cutting her bond with Anakin was painful, the most painful thing she’d ever done, but she needed to do it. She didn’t want Anakin running around Coruscant looking for her when the war was going on and needed to be ended. It would be easier for her, too. She wouldn’t feel the pangs of guilt for leaving if she couldn’t feel his depression through their bond.

She heard his feet hitting the tiles, trying to quickly catch up with her. Anakin was calling out her name, pleading with her and crying that she had to come back, that she had to change her mind. She looked straight ahead of her, keeping her eyes on the sunset over the horizon. She kept her fists balled in the fabric of her skirt and her shoulders firmly squared back. If she looked back now, she’d break and would end up going back on her word to herself. But the spectre of the Council’s doubt in her hung over her head like a thundercloud. 

Ahsoka reached the threshold of the Temple. She teetered on the edge, knowing that once she crossed this slim border, she’d be out of the Jedi Order forever. She’d be gone from her family, her friends. But were they really her family and her friends if they had doubted her so grievously? She hesitated, her heart pounding and her stomach lodged in her throat. She felt a wave of conflict take her over and she remained frozen at the step.

Anakin grabbed her bicep, his grip keeping her in place. Every bone and muscle in her body itched to turn around and see Anakin’s face one last time.  _ One last time won’t hurt. One hug goodbye won’t hurt.  _ But still, she fought the urge to give into her emotions and risk a messier goodbye with her old Master if she could help it. 

“Please. I’m begging you, Ahsoka, don’t leave,” Anakin said, his voice breaking. He was crying, too. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut when the tears began to fill her eyes too much. “Snips. Come on. Come back.”

The nickname. Stars, that kriffing nickname. Ahsoka smiled to herself, wanting to hold onto the memory of him calling her by the nickname one last time. She kept fighting the urge to turn around. She needed to rip this bacta strip off now. She’d dragged this goodbye out for too long already. She laid a gentle hand over Anakin’s fingers, letting him calm her one last time. He’d done this with her hundreds of times before, laying a comforting hand between her montrals or on her shoulder to help soothe her distracted mind. She didn’t let the touch linger, just peeled his fingers off her arm.

“Goodbye, Anakin.” Ahsoka murmured her goodbye under her breath and stepped over the threshold, saying goodbye to the only life she’d known.

But even as she stepped off the grounds, seemingly leaving Anakin and the Jedi Order behind her forever, she kept a sliver of their bond intact. Just in case she needed to find him again.

**Author's Note:**

> me, in ya brain: kudos/comment on this fic  
> you: but why  
> me, in ya brain: you gotta
> 
> ~Hunter


End file.
